So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
