I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
