I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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