Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
