What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
