I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
