Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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