i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
