i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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