Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
