I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
