Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
