Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
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I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
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I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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