When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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