yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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