I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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