I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
