I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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