I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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