moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
