How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
cat food counts as protein by the way
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
