You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
