Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
