What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.