also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
