dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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