my room smells like sperm. sweet.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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