I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
