i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
