I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We left an ass print on the piano.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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