yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
