I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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