I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
