The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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