I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
