So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
