"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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