I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
