I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
