Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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