Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
