He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
