NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
