My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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