he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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