i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just pee around me
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
