holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
