I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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