i just sent this text using only my big toe
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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