WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
