Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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