I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
