Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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