I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
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My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
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According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato