You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize