I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
