she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
