First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
