i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
