Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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