i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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